So last night during Eurovision I wrote out my internal monologue. Here’s how that went.
Israel: oof tuning. Nice graphics. He winked I’m very uncomfortable. High note is good though. Dancing with hands in pockets is my aesthetic.
Poland: dogs!!!!! V dramatic. Tone is a bit meh. Violinist yes please. Gravelly bits are good. Long note.
Belarus: boat? Missed bc talking to dad but they made out and that was weird
Austria: is all white a thing this year? It’s a nice song. Might be better if he could sing. He’s very happy.
Armenia: cool riff. Shaky cam is shaky. In tune. Probably could’ve gotten away with not having fancy staging bc she can actually sing.
The Netherlands: 3 part harmony is nice. Lyrics on the screen is a bit weird. They can really sing.
Moldova: violin and saxophone yep yep. Most organised bad dancing I’ve ever seen.
Hungary: more violin!! S/o for not singing in English. Pretty good tbh. Rapping hold the phone! Me likey. Dancer looked very distressed.
Italy: so many hands. Catchy. There’s a fucking furry on stage what?
Denmark: tuning o deer. Her voice is too powerful for what she’s singing about.
Portugal: hipster boyo. Pretty tune. He’s v good. Would listen. Lovely.
Azerbaijan: horse head? They’re in a box. She can sing but the song isn’t good.
Croatia: oh. Weird. Oh fuck yeah strings. He’s singing both of the things. It’s actually quite impressive once you get past the weirdness. Incredible range.
Australia: he’s walking weirdly to maintain his diaphragm. He’s a good singer. If he was on x factor they’d tell him to come back next year.
Greece: out of tune at the beginning but got a bit better. Cool graphics. Water?
Spain: acoustic. It’s ok. Wouldn’t seek it out but wouldn’t turn it off. Thought there was a key change but they were just out of tune.
Norway: v techno. It’s not awful bit still. No thank you.
UK: at least ours can actually sing this year. Song is average. Needs violins. Very nice though.
Cyprus: meh. Would be better if he was in tune.
Romania: iconic. It’s weird af but I love it. She’s actually a great singer. Will probs listen ironically.
Germany: synth from Titanium. She can’t sing. Maybe bc she’s laying down?
Ukraine: ayyy an actual band. There is a giant head. It’s okish. The guitar sounds are good.
Belgium: nice voice. She’s cute. The song isn’t very exciting. Too low for her range.
Sweden: purple suit is cool. Very snappy. Shame he can’t sing.
Bulgaria: too young. V good though. Amazing tuning.
France: native language ☑. Wait scratch that. Did two different people write the verse and the chorus? She can sing.
…let’s never speak of this again.
But in all seriousness, many congratulations to Salvador Sobral and Portugal for a well deserved win and shout out to homegirl Lucie Jones for giving the best UK performance in recent history!
Who was your favourite act this year? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Links to my favourite songs from ESC 2017 as well as all my social media is below. Most regular updates will be on Twitter.